Friday, February 25, 2011

Happenstance or Awesomeness?

Alright, I gotta get a little for-serious with this one to start just so you can all see why this moment was truly amazing. Hopefully buy tale's end, you will think the long story was worth the read. Onto the serious beginning...
Over the last couple of years,a very close friend and I have fallen apart from each other. The story for this is too long and, honestly, too personal to go through so I won't but I will say it hasn't been fun. On Tuesday, her and some friends came into a movie and, normally being a day off for me, she seemed rather surprised to see me. However, for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel much except happy to see her. I gave the three of them passes and went out and talked to her. She seemed a bit uncomfortable but we were civil and I was glad I saw her (have said maybe two texts to each other since September). I hugged her goodbye and they went into their movie but things didn't end as well as I thought they had began. As I sat up front, selling tickets, her two friends left without her in tow. She had decided to leave out a side door and not deal with the hassle of saying bye. As hurt as I was, I also realized something that I have been told for these last few years: She's gone. She's moved on from me and doesn't need the friendship we once had anymore. For two years this has eaten me from within and I would be lying if I said I have been "normal Clif" fully through. However, in this moment, I also realized that I am moving on too. I've tried what I could to make her a part of my life still and that's all I can do. Forcing anything else will just makes things worse and harder on myself. But I know this now and over the last few days, I have felt incredibly... free. I don't feel the same weight I have over these years and it's an odd but welcome feeling. I have been feeling more like the old, more care-free Clifton. No burden of guilt and no hating myself for what happened. Not fully, anyway.
Which brings me to the second part that sets up the moment.
Through high school, I had a lot of anger and hatred towards other kids and how they treated myself and others. Feelings that, while I still hold a grudge against high schoolers, I have since let go. One of the things that actually helped me was a coin. A 1969 quarter, to be exact. I would flip the coin each morning and if it came up heads (gay sinister smiley face), it was going to be a good day. I put part of my fate into a coin flip. In letting things fall onto said coin, I started feeling more free to just be me each day. That maybe a "higher power" was now in charge. The closest I have ever gotten to being religious. I found solace in this coin flip, for whatever reason. It eased my mind.
So what do I find myself today, after such an epiphany? Sitting in my cup holder this morning was a quarter I had not noticed before. A 1969 quarter. Facing me heads up... How fucking awesome is this?! What bigger sign do I need to show my times are changing again for the better? Maybe a man in a Captain America outfit asking me for directions. That symbolism may be bigger but I have yet to see it.
So I share my story with you all in hope that maybe "saying" things aloud will put it in even better perspective for me. That letting things out will only cause those good days to happen faster. At least that's my hope. I guess the cliche of "only time will tell" is most fitting.

2 comments:

  1. The universe tends to unfold as it should.

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  2. We have missed you and welcome you back!

    ReplyDelete