Thursday, November 17, 2011

Clif-Notes: Breaking Dawn pt. 1

I was paid to watch this movie and I still wanted to complain and get my money back. In fact, I'm thinking about offering that pay back just to rid myself of the whole experience that much more. In short, this movie was complete donkey shit.
How do I even describe this movie? The whole thing is Bella and Edward getting married and getting pregnant and not know what to do. For two fucking hours. After the one night of sex, Edward refuses to have sex again because he bruised Bella. Not broke, not maimed, didn't even draw blood that we know of. And he refuses to do it again. So of course she starts slinking around in lingerie to temp him. In between them playing chess, of course. And then she's pregnant from the one time (maybe they should have watched the Maury show more. Once is all it takes. And while I'm on it, how is a thing that has no blood flow able to get an erection in order to even have sex. It's bullshit. Plus she's ugly so getting it up is gonna be double impossible.) and doesn't know what to do so they hide back at Edward's house for the rest of the movie while the werewolves surround them, wanting to kill the abomination. Also, Jacob just slumps around, sulking and crying the whole movie. Until he "imprints" on Bella and Edward's baby. Which is also named in part after Jacob's mother. So he plans on fucking a baby that is named after his mother. What the hell is going on?! And apparently the wolves can't kill the baby now that it is part of the clan. So they also sulk away (must be a werewolf thing). Leaving us with a dead Bella (died during the birth) and a sad everybody else. But lo, there shall come a miracle. A miracle that was caused after Edward injected her with a shit ton of his "venom" (no, I did not make that euphemism myself) and then bit her on the neck, the arm, the legs twice, the other leg and the other arm. Vampire juices just aren't what they use to be. As everybody turns their head (in amazing, day time soap opera fashion), Bella's eyes open, revealing the vampire red peepers that we all knew was gonna happen. End movie.
Or was it? In a special scene during the credits, the big bad vampire group that didn't want a human in the clan, gets word that she is turned. But now they want the baby. Or something else that will set up another movie. Insert sound effects to the tune of Bum Bum Buuummmmm!!!
What shit. I admit to seeing all the movies and I actually thought that despite them all being utter garbage, they got slightly better with each one. Not here. Two hours of Jacob crying, Bella dying and Edward looking like he was too constipated for his own good. This was the most sulking and emo-ing I think I may have ever seen in a movie. It was frozen poop on a stick and all those twi-tards out there are gonna love it, no matter shitty they all know it is. I want my two hours back and it makes me angry that I won't. I know no matter what I say, you already have your mind set on seeing this movie so just be prepared to be ridiculed by me as you walk out.
And I may just be dirty but I laughed extremely loud at the best line of the movie. Bella, over the phone to her father:
"No Dad! Don't come!"

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