Friday, September 3, 2010

Clif-Notes: Machete

I just got out of watching this movie and I am totally jacked! This movie was a blast from start to finish. You will not read many critics' reviews that say it was good but they are stupid and you should trust me more. Nothing but cheesy awesome-ness the whole way. Let me tell you the first scene to give you a hint as to the movie it was:

Machete is leading a group of Federales against Steve Seagal (yeah, Steven Seagal). As he and his partner crash through some armed guards and into the house, his partner is of course the only one who gets shot up and dies. Machete then proceeds to sternly walk through the house with only his name-sake weapon, cutting as many people as they can throw at him. At one point, after being "surrounded" by three men, he simply twirls in a circle, beheading all of them in one, graceful swoop. He then walks into a room, to find a naked chick on a bed (at which point cliched porn music plays), almost waiting for him. Throwing her over his shoulder, he sternly attempts to walk out of the house. As he stands there with this naked chick (now let down and standing in front of him), she begins to try and seduce him, which can never end well. And it doesn't. She takes his machete and stabs him through, sending him to the ground, still stark naked. She then reaches into her who-ha, pulls out a cell phone and calls Steven Seagal into the room, telling him that Machete is taken care of. But do not fret, for Seagal promptly has her shot in the head. Still naked.

That's maybe the first five minutes. And it only went uphill for me. I know this is not going to be every body's cup of proverbial tea, but if you are sick and demented like I am, you will love it. So go see it.
(And there's a lot of boobs, in case I didn't mention that, including Lindsay Lohan's. Because that's something new, right?)

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