Saturday, September 11, 2010

My Must Read Retelling of Amazing Spider-Man

I want to first give good and fair warning to everyone who is reading this that I shall be using some harsh and cruel language in describing Joe Quesada's current attempt at Spider-Man. It will be mean and probably very vulgar at parts so don't say I didn't warn ya about this. Continue at your own peril....
Fuck Joe Quesada. Fuck him hard. In case you don't remember, Mr. Quesada a number of years ago (almost 4) decided that Peter and MJ's marriage needed to be dissolved. In order to do that, he created the "it's magic, we don't need to explain it" dilemma in which Mephisto made it so that they were never married, in exchange for saving Aunt May's life (which had been attacked after Peter revealed to the world that he was Spider-Man). After this, Amazing Spider-Man went to three times a month and things have never been the same since. In a bad way.
Well, all these years later, Mr. Quesada himself took over writing duties in order to tell of how the now-altered-past had lead into the present we were now reading, in the storyline One Moment In Time. MJ and Peter (not together in any relationship anymore) decide it's time to make with the therapy and talk things out with one another. So they start with the marriage.
After Spidey thwarted a robbery by Electro, one of his henchmen was able to escape custody, when he was originally suppose to be taken in. How does this happen? A bird flies into the cop car, hitting the unlock button just enough to let him hit the door a few times, fully unlocking it. That man later knocks Spidey unconscious, thus he is unable to make his wedding, making MJ look like a fool and scorning her something fierce. I shit you not. This is how come Pete did not marry MJ. She tells him she can't deal with this life and since he won't give it up, she's gone. This is when she then went on her modeling voyage. Once back, she confesses to Peter that she will always love him but because she won't have a family/kids due to the life he leads, there is no need to get married. "If that's no longer a part of the equation, then marriage is just a piece of paper". I got news for ya, ya stupid fuck: that's all marriage is even with kids. It's definition doesn't change just cuz Pete doesn't wear a rubber. She also tells him that he can't ask her to marry him again unless he's willing to give it up... When the fuck did Mary Jane become a little bitch?! Fucker was unconscious! It's not like he didn't want to get married! Bitch!
Anywho, time moves forward to the Civil War and when Aunt May got shot. At one point, the doctor's couldn't revive her and were giving up when Peter comes in, pounding on her chest. The doctor's couldn't help, but his fists did. How? Love. The fucking doctor tells him that it fucking worked because he fucking loves her. Guess that's one thing medical school can't teach ya. And the bad guys don't stop at Aunt May. They then go after MJ and her Aunt Anna. And that's when MJ draws the line. That's when she knew she couldn't be with Peter. Because it's her putting the people she loves in harm's way because she continues to be with him.... Fucking what?! It's her fault? This dumb bitch version of Mary Jane is really pissing me off. It feels like Joe Quesada is doing everything he can to prove to us that Peter is better off without her. If ya made her a hooker with herpes and a dick I wouldn't want him with her either. Don't see that happening. And that's because it fucking shouldn't! Because you shouldn't change a character's personality after 30 goddamn years!
And to end everything off, he even writes out fucking Mephisto! Now, Peter just convinces Doc Strange, Reed Richards and Stark to make the world forget he's Spider-Man the same way they made the world forget that The Sentry existed. But as one last kick to my nuts, Pete can't stand MJ forgetting everything so he grabs her at the last minute and they are the only two people who remember his identity and anything associated with it. And guess what? MJ then gets all sad and mopey because she wishes he would have made her forget too. That she's just not strong enough. In present time, she then wishes Pete luck, telling him that the right girl is out there and he'll find her some day. "Today, my best friend, the best person I've ever known -- set me free.". Fuck that. I almost wish they would have just turned her into a druggie hooker like they did Karen Page. Then I could at least have good reason to be pissed while feeling sorry for her. But now she's just a cry-baby bitch and I'm done with it.
Fuck Joe Quesada. Fuck Amazing Spider-Man. Fuck Mary Jane Watson. And Fuck Joe Quesada again, just so he knows how much I hate them all.

1 comment:

  1. Soooo, they ret-conned their freakin' ret-con? This is why as much as i love them I just don't read comics anymore. I love the characters at both Marvel and DC too much to watch idiots behind the wheel drive them all in to the river. If real, responsible writers start writing comics for the two big companies, writers able to come up with new and interesting stories without changing who the characters are, then maybe I'll come back.